My failed attempts to be sane.

Sometimes i laugh at everything, everybody, how people worry bout the smallest thing possible, about the least concerned thing, how they behave so stupid , why so many ppl are stupid, and their are very few intellects,but that sometime comes very rarely.

My other thoughts says Nobody do any mistake, they do everything acco to wat they thnk, how they manipulate things, and wat they find right, they do wat they find right nd appropriate for themselves, well i m not getting in too deep of this.

I was an atheist since the beginning, the very concept of god always made me smile, ppl believe in god, they think a positive energy is with dem and they get thru their problems, it does not matter god exists or not as long as "THIS GOD" is givin ppl hope, hope 2 survive, hope filled with energy to fight back, but then their r ppl who really believe only god can do all the good for them.




Classes r becoming more and more productive these days, made this sketch in the class ( click on it to enlarge it ) , and played a little with it in adobe photoshop, i donno y i m likin it so much, the sheer power of the person is makin me feel he is mockin me, i felt i cant make his face, the face is hidden, the face is gone, such power cant have a face, and if it has a face , it will be having pure energy reflecting from his face, a radiance coming out, and i was afraid i wont be able 2 draw it.

Its fifth of january and i have already bunked two complete days of my classes in this so called new year, i cant understand y i always have to study at the last moment, last five days were altogether good, attended one full day of classes, and believe me that made me feel police should arrest my professor for public torture, coming out of his class was a real feeling of freedom, of getting a thing which u desired since ur life started and u have counted every second and have fought a battle to have this victory, a breath in free air, well i smoked 31 cigarettes in first three days of this year, and it was wen i started likin cigarettes after one year of continous effort, and now i can proudly say i also know y ppl smoke although i have not smoked since last two days, and i have stopped smoking.

She is getting married, made me go over our relation all over again, i cant understand once again how i should react, never thought bout her really much after our strange break up, but now most of the songs make me think of her.ppl say i still love her and they say they know me better than i do, and leave me with nothing but a naked mocking smile for them on their face.
Sometimes wen i feel suspicious bout my behaviour, i feel to give those ppl benefit of the doubt but very next moment this feelin comes back that i cant love anybody, and i have proved it innumerable no of times to myself, to the ppl around me, with live examples.

I want to laugh now, at those ppl who worship god, thinkin god will always help them in all of their prob, at my professor who made me draw this sketch, at myself for fighting myself to like the cigarettes, at those ppl who kill themselves every moment thinkin they did a big mistake and cant do nethng good now.I want to laugh at those ppl who say i still love her, who say i still miss her.

Hmm I m lookin at my sketch again and again and wishing i could have such power, God, i did something wrong, i know u r there, give me power, more power, i like it.

M missing her.

- Phase ended, this all identified as crap, still i m gonna publish it -

** sigh **
i want to fly.